a lazy thursday

Today started like any other day, early. For some reason today I'm lacking any energy or motivation and I could basically hibernate like a bear for months and probably still feel tired when I woke.

We've had a really lazy day, hot chocolates and toast for breakfast followed by a HUGE 3 hour nap on Xavier's behalf, I managed to sneak in a quick 30 minute nap and shower, the rest of the time I'm not going to lie I sat on the couch and watched trash tv while looking over at my killer folding pile hoping it would fold itself. Probably explains why my behind is growing to the size of Montana and why the zipper on my jeans apparently no longer wants to do up. I say this while dreaming of the chocolate frappe I drank (and regretted afterwards may I add!) late the other night. Xavier woke and now he's had a bath, had some food and seems to be in a better mood then what he was like before he had his nap, picture the gremlins when they turned naughty, that's Xavier when he's tired. While I'm on the subject of gremlin, what is it with boys and their private parts, nobody warned me how intrigued and abundantly funny it is to have their hands down their pants all the time. Apparently its even funny to put toy cars, really anything that can fit inside his underwear and tell me its 'hiding', so gross! Picking his nose is also a favorite as well as letting go of any sort of tummy gas he has while we're playing on the floor and suddenly its a great time to sit near my face. I don't think any sort of warning or prior information on how having a boy would really change my way of life would have helped. Its crazy but I love my little squashy boy more than chocolate frappe's and boy do I love those!

Lately

 Things have progressed for us in a fast rate as of lately, Xavier is now fully toilet trained and I personally feel like a super mum and total bad ass for achieving that hefty task although I'm still not a huge fan of having to wipe his behind region (and never will be!). His speech has also progressed quite quickly along with his attitude, threenager is definately a thing, people don't joke about these sort of things and it's 100% down right mind boggling.

Shutting himself in his room when he decides to be in a huff about well anything he decides to at the time really, could be because his socks are red and not blue or could even be that we're not going to the play center. The play center tantrum happens pretty regularly nowadays along with the fussiness of food. So basically I've just made having a toddler sound like a hard task at hand because yep it sure is! But I wouldn't change it for the world and I know all these things are temporary (hopefully that goes along with my insanity from watching too many toons a day). Along with all the tantrums, fussiness and big mess comes along moments of pure bliss which make the hard times a little less dysfunctional. Xavier is an absolute crack up, he makes me laugh very regularly and sometimes I cant get over how smart he is becoming. He does so many things that make me smile like making beds for his rabby or making pretend cakes from his pretend oven for me, all of these things contribute to something pretty darn special. I could write a list for days of all the things he does that make me feel like sunshine on a rainy day but the one that tops it is our bedtime routine, cuddles and I love you's. I don't even have to say it first anymore, so even on my bad days where I feel like a total failure, I hear those three little words from my special little person and I know I'm doing something right. Here is a few photo's that I've taken with my canon the last week since finally getting off my tush and formatting my card, for those people who have asked me in the past what lens I use its a 50mm and I eventually plan on getting a different lens as this one is really only the best for portraits. Although I'm not a camera expert so don't quote me on that information, its just what I've found personally.

staying home mum

Stay at home mums, I’m one of them. Around the clock work, early starts and no lunch breaks.

I can admit that being a mum is more tiring than when I worked full time as a hairdresser on my feet all day! At least when I worked fulltime I knew what time I started, I knew what time I finished, I had set lunch breaks, I knew that everything had a structure and a routine.

Unfortunately sometimes I feel guilty and society makes me feel guilty for not going back to work yet, as if I’m not hard working and not putting enough effort into my life. This makes me extremely mad that not only is that completely untrue but I think neither should be guilted.

I think personally it’s great that mums are going back to work, I absolutely commend that because it’s a scary daunting experience heading back to work after having a said amount of time on maternity leave. It’s hard leaving your babies and kids to go back into an adult environment.

In saying that why isn’t it also awesome that others have the opportunity to not go back to work as yet and get to stay home with their babies and kids? I mean I think I work hard? My day starts at 6/6:30am, I have to sit down and watch cars the movie on repeat (that’s torture in itself!!!). Make breakfast that gets picked at for about an hour only to have to make more food that again will probably get picked at and end up on the floor. Having a shower that now gets shared by a 2 year old who insists on telling you the waters too hot so therefore a cold shower usually happens. Chasing my toddler around the house to get dressed and ending up in the fifth disagreement for the day thus far. I take Xavier to school (not day-care) 2/3 days a week in which I have to sit there and watch him paint, play and make mess while I’m nearly falling asleep and its only 11am. Lunchtime comes and so does more mess, I’ve vacuumed the floor by this time at least 3 times already, having to put Xavier on the toilet at least 2 times every hour and be told every day that ‘he’s done a number two’ and acting like it’s the holy grail that I know have to clean someone’s bottom. Have to fight off sleep by 3 and make sure Xavier doesn’t also fall asleep while I’m cleaning the house and hanging washing on the clothes line or bedtime gets strung on to 8 or 9pm. Its 5pm, cars the movie is being played for the 100^th time for the day and dinner is again picked at, just as most of the food during the day has been. Bath time comes and I get to sit down for 5 minutes while getting splashed by water. Bedtime arrives and I’m having a party because I can finally cook dinner in peace and without cars the movie in background.

My day is full on and the only time I really sit down without getting up every 5 minutes is if I’m watching kids’ cartoons on the couch and sharing carrot sticks. As I said previously working mums are doing a great job by going back to work and in no way am I saying otherwise but we need to stop this stigma that stay at home mums don’t work as hard because that its utter bullsh!t and yes I used the b word that’s how mad it makes me! 

I’m VERY lucky that I get to spend every day with my little moppyhead gremlin and I certainly don’t take that for granted.

Losing Flynn

It's been a year today since I was eagerly waiting for my 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby that was growing in my belly. Flicking through magazines and shuffling my legs because my bladder was so full and they were running a whole hour late, for some reason I had felt a sick sensation in my belly and I'm not talking morning sickness, it felt like today just wasn't going to go well. Maybe I was just nervous to find out if Flynn was a girl or boy but it almost felt like I knew something wasn't right, call it mothers intuition maybe.

I hear them finally call my name and I do my little penguin shuffle to the room and lay down on the bed, ultrasound went well everything looked normal as far as my eye could see and I feel some what relieved thinking I had overreacted until the tech said he couldn't find any kidneys or bladder and the amniotic fluid wasn't as full as it should have been. My heart broke and I knew right then that the 20 weeks of morning sickness and nervousness I had meant something after all, not just a overprotective mother worrying about her unborn child. 

I waited in the room while the tech went to speak to a doctor and they then took me to the maternity unit and had to wait by myself for the doctor to come and speak to me. A million things were going through my mind but I was hoping they were going to tell me it was just a mistake or that there was something I could do to save my baby. 
Forty minutes later the doctor came with a nurse and told me to give a family member a call because they had bad news that they didn't want to tell me alone without support. I left the hospital crying and had the worst anxiety I had ever had, I came back with a good friend in tow to hear the bad news.

After an MRI and another ultrasound I found out to be what they had suspected. My baby had no kidneys and no bladder, this condition is called Bilateral Renal Agenesis.
Bilateral Renal Agenesis is a condition that effects 1 in 3,000 births.
It is nothing genetic and unfortunately just a cruel twist of fate.

I had the choice of continuing my pregnancy knowing my baby wouldn't survive, that I would have questions about my pregnancy and I knew deep down it would be cruel on myself and the baby to continue our journey together knowing I couldn't keep him when the time came. A week later I was admitted into hospital to have my baby, 2 days of labour and my baby was finally here and I was finally able to find out that in fact I was carrying and growing a baby boy.

August 1st 2014, I named him Flynn Edward and he was the most petite little baby I had ever seen. It was a tough few days in hospital and a tough few weeks once I was home. Organizing a funeral with the help of my mum, I had overwhelming amounts of flowers and cards and avoided the nursery downstairs until I was ready. Not only did I lose a baby but also a relationship in the same month, so with the support of my family they helped me pack up the nursery I had set up that I was avoiding. I cried and cried, slept and cried again for the baby I had lost and the baby brother Xavier never got to bond with.

The hardest part about knowing I'd lost my baby is that my friends were all pregnant too and welcoming there beautiful healthy babies and knowing I would do anything to avoid seeing my friends who had little newbies so I didn't have to talk about losing mine. 

12 months later and my life is completely different then what it was in 2014. I moved into a place of my own, I met the love of my life who I can't imagine not being by my side now and Xavier gained a step brother/ friend. Things have a way of changing to the way your life is supposed to be, to be with the people your supposed to be with and to lead the life you were meant to be living.
I miss my Flynn everyday, occasionally I wonder why he had to be taken away from me, why I didn't get to keep him. All the things I've missed with his first year of life, Xavier having a sibling to play,share and grow with. I cant pretend that this week and the 1st of August wont haunt me every year, that I wont cry for my baby that I didn't get a chance to keep. But I know life has a purpose for me, that the day I do have another baby that it's the right time for me to blossom again as a mother. My heart aches for Flynn and I'm sure it will this time every year but I know I'm not alone in this and I have so much support and love from my family, friends and others who have been through the same heart ache.


http://www.bearsofhope.org.au/

I hate toilet training

Xavier's finally gotten the idea of what the toilet is for and what the little potty in the corner of the toilet is doing sitting there. Unfortunately even though he knows what they are used for, Xavier still has trouble realizing the potty isnt going to bite his cute little tush off. We've even started bribing with his favourite food ... Lollies (according to him and who am I to doubt a two year old who has all the opinions on everything including which way I put his shoes on!?) . Well if he had it his way he'd be having them for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I don't blame him sometimes I feel the same about chocolate (can eat a block in one sitting.) Well rewarding and bribing doesn't seem to work either but regardless I will put it out there, toilet training is tideous! In fact I would rather change 20 nappies than sit on the cold floor trying to convince my two year old why he should go and stop pretending he is with his scrunched up face and straining sounds. I'll give him credit it's half believable and quite hilarious. With that being said I'll be relieved when I don't have to freeze my own tush off every morning putting poopy nappies in the bin outside,the cute little undies with cars on them are finally being used and I get more embarrassing moments of Xavier shouting to me in aisle 6 that 'I need to poo mummy, mummy it's coming, it's poo!!' all while holding his bottom and doing the I'm pooping face.

I don't know what to call this post, so I'm just going to leave this here...

We all love Dr Google, why wouldn't you? He doesn't make you cue in a waiting area full of people who are coughing continuously while your bobbing a baby on your knee so fast that they look like one of those figurines in seniors cars that stick to the dashboard. Dr Google also doesn't cost you a pretty penny everytime you search again, although in most cases you'll find your probably dying or being a hypochondriac (we've all been there, no shame). In motherhood and I'm talking even when your still cooking that little baby up you tend to google things, ALOT! Why do we do this? Because we love our children and undeniably would run to the end of the world for them, we constantly doubt our natural ability as women or mothers because we always want the best for our offspring. Most times I have found I've googled so far into things that I find other mothers bringing each other down with criticism and negativity. I don't understand why we as women feel as though the way we parent our children is the best way and only way to tackle parenthood. You bottle fed or you breast fed, there tiny tummies are both full aren't they? So your a good mum! You used the most expensive pram or the one that didn't leave a hefty hole in your pocket, they've both got wheels and hold the baby. So your a good mum! Whether your a fulltime mother, a working mother, a single mother, a mother whose partner works away or even a step mother, the fact that we google and worry that we're not doing enough says already that in fact we really are. So happy Mother's Day to all the mums, mums to be, mums who have lost children, step mums and women who are trying to become mums, you are amazing! xx

You know your a mum when...

I'm currently wearing a mad mum bun, the tshirt I was wearing yesterday and finally sitting down to a hot cup of tea. You guessed it! I'm surviving off a few hours sleep and finally some rest time now that my gremlin has decided he's tired from all that no sleep last night. Ok so I called Xavier a gremlin but I probably look more like one then what he does, he's the cute version (I guess). Now that I'm enjoying my hot tea and daytime sit coms, I'm thinking about how different my life has become since Xavier joined it, I wouldn't change it for the world even with my day old tshirt and notorious, completely unglamourous mum bun. So with all this thinking and serious avoidance of housework, I made a list of you know your a mum when... So here it is!

You know your a mum when...
- wearing the same jeans you did the previous day if there's no food stains or boogers is normal, if you can make it to day 3 then your Wonder Woman.
- rocking the mum bun is easier then straightening your hair because you get to sit down for an extra 10 minutes (if your lucky).
- Having a chocolate stash hidden is perfectly normal, so is hiding in a different room so you can eat it too without having to share.
- singing or humming peg+cat, giggle and hoot or Sesame Street while you wash the dishes or showering because you watch them 7 days a week more than what you listen to the radio nowadays.
- you can hear 'mum' linger in your ears even when the kids are sleeping, it's like an alarm that never stops beeping.
- Rocking back and forth in the supermarket even when you don't have a child in tow, the general people probably think your weird until you get a giggle and smile from another mum, accompanied by a nod of 'been there, done that'..
- finding gross food stuffed in the couch or any other place you can hide food doesn't phase you anymore because at least you know the smell isn't a poopy nappy you have to change.
- seeing your partners face at the end of the day is the best thing in the world because you get an adult conversation and can cuddle someone who actually sits still.
- sleeping in to 7am is a treat, if you make it to 8am then you should probably check your kitchen because they're probably making angels in the flour they've poured on the floor.

Things mums don't want to admit

As a mum you don't usually like to admit when times get tough, when you've hardly had any sleep because, A) your child has decided to take a sleep strike or B) you needed some down time and by down time I mean, half bottle of wine and copious amounts of offspring which then occurs to you as a bad idea in the am (we've all been there). I can't always blame Xavier for the choices I make or the excuses I use but I do, it's easier to blame a two year old for your messy house rather then to admit that you've just been a lazy bitch and avoided it like the plague. 
So here comes a few things I will admit I have used as excuses or even reasons I have told myself to make me feel better about why the washing pile has grown.
1. Sorry about my messy house, I've been so busy lately. Many of my family and friends have heard this come out of mouth and I know you all know that is not the truth. But I thank you  for saying that's ok you should see mine everytime, no really thanks.
2. The old we should catch up soon, it's been awhile. It's been awhile because catching up for coffee or lunch is about as easy as toilet training your toddler. Yep!
3. I feed my child vegetables every night, let's be honest here that's a big lie! We'll feed our toddlers whatever they'll eat, Xavier had a carrot stick for dinner with nachos but his tummy was full and so that means he'll sleep and that's the main thing.
4. I will never laugh the day my child says a swear word. Guilty, I had a giggle, it was funny however it is not funny when your in the supermarket and your toddler suddenly decides it's the perfect time to drop the f-bomb. 

5.  Last but not least, I am the perfect mother and I love to share. No I don't love to share the Chocolate bar I bought or the vanilla frappe with extra cream. You know why I got that extra cream not so I could share it with my little duckling, I got it because I like extra cream FOR MYSELF! Ok so I've hid in a different room so I don't have to share. I know we teach our children to be kind and share with others but sometimes as a mum I want that extra cream for myself. Do I feel guilty? not really, sorry. Xavier double dips and I have to admit I'm not a fan of the salvia sharing.

In saying all of this my life as a mum is pretty perfect or so I perceive on Instagram.

Having a two year old toddler

Ask me a year ago what I would have said about having a two year old toddler on my hands, I would have said I can't wait! Here I was with my six month old baby thinking mums whose children throw themselves on the floor of the supermarket (because they'll just die if they don't have that Freddo frog that is always conveniently placed where they can see them) is just really embarrassing. Until I turned into one of those mothers, you know the kind of mum who doesn't care if my child is having a complete meltdown over a chocolate bar because I'm too busy laughing at his facial reactions and pleases I'm getting from him. Xavier is a comedian and my constant entertainment, never a dull moment in my household. So here I am saying I admit defeat, I admit defeat to those mums who said to never use toddler and perfect in the same sentence. If I had to write a quick summary of my little x man it would be, loves to unpack everything that is neatly packed away almost immediately, has to repeat the word 'car' several times to ensure we are in fact leaving the house for an adventure, must be fussy with most foods but most importantly never eat vegetables, especially the green ones. If you got a boogey you better pick that bad boy out and wipe it on your tshirt, must tell mumma when I'm going to the toilet but never actually want to use the toilet. He's a real stuntman, a real funny kinda guy, the most perfect imperfect toddler, aside from most of the naughty things I have kindly pointed out he does do some angelic things. Such as kisses my cheek when he accidentally throws a toy car at me (or so he says) he says sorry when he drops a toy car on my foot or even when he puts a toy car in my hot tea of a morning. In case you haven't noticed he's also a real car lover *car car* and no I don't mean cat lover (hell no) he literally loves anything with a set of wheels, be it one wheel or four wheels, if it's got a set of wheels then Xavier's interested. So now that I'm coming to the end of my ramble I realize I haven't said many positive things about having a toddler because there is plenty. I have someone to trick into giving me a back rub and who can complain with that???