I really contemplated writing this for awhile. Mainly because i'm not always sure how to put how I feel into words. But I know when I felt uncertain, confused, worried or even anxious it helped me to read others experiences. So today I am writing a piece about my angel boy and why it was finally my time to have a little rainbow. Losing Flynn was the hardest thing i've ever gone through and to be honest I didn't feel any pain or sadness at the time. I only felt numb and I think that was the only way I could cope at the time. I was numb for a very lengthy amount of time as it helped me when I had to labour him. It helped me when I had to name him, when I had to choose his coffin and when I had to pack up his nursery. It even helped me when I was experiencing a relationship breakdown 2 weeks after his death. So when people ask how I felt at the time I have to tell them I can't even remember. I was basically a walking zombie just trying to get through the day. I couldn't sleep my days away like I wanted to because I had a 1 year old toddler who needed me. If it weren't for Xavier I don't know how I would be now. I don't even want to imagine to be honest. Growing Flynn was a tough time, in the back of my mind I always knew something wasn't right. So going in for my 20 week scan was daunting. I never felt Flynn move freely in my womb, it was always quite jolted movements. Which in time I would find out was because I didn't have enough amniotic fluid surrounding him. I always thought because I am young it could never happen to me. I would never be a statistic and I would go on to have healthy pregnancies. Which obviously was very naive of me so when I found out I was pregnant with Noah instead of being happy I became an anxious mess. I was anxious my whole pregnancy and I was seeing someone during my pregnancy to help me sort of deal with those emotions. I hoped everytime I had a scan that the feeling of anxiety would go. However it didn't, so when I was in labour and struggling all over again (my body hates birthing babies) I was in fear. Fear of losing my little rainbow I longed for. I was scared to be a disappointment again. Then there he was pulled out of my belly, my little rainbow boy. I truely believe Flynn gave me Noah. He gave me a boy, a cheeky little boy to fill a little of the emptiness I had in my heart. I wasn't ever destined for a girl because Flynn wanted me to have a little boy and for Xavier to have a little brother just as he was supposed too. I am grateful everyday that I was given another baby, I feel I apprecaite Noah and pregnancy so much more now than I ever did. Pregnancy is very draining on me not only physically but also very emotionally. I think that's the reason I no longer feel the need to have more babies down the track. Because it's so tough on me mentally I can't imagine experiencing that anxiety again. The fear of losing another baby will never leave me. I have all I need in my arms now and I'm finally content with my blessings.
Life after loss; forever my baby you'll be (Flynn).
For anyone who has also suffered loss of a infant/child I am truely sorry. Please know you are not alone and to seek help if you feel you need to have a little chat. There is almost always a rainbow after the rain. Always remind yourself of that.
All my love, H
Xx
(the onesie/romper Noah is wearing is from the nest Aus). And yes it's our fave!
