So I decided to write a post about the last 7 months post pregnancy. I want to share abit more into my life than what you see on the gram. I want to open up in hope it will help a) break the stigma and b) help another mama! I'm all about the motherhood community and truely believe we can ALL support each other. True in fact I have found mothers tend to be the worst for online bullying. Why? Because unfortnately when some are feeling slightly overwelmed or insecure it is easier to make others feel bad in attempt to fill some sort of void. When I experience this anger/sadness/jealously/hate from another mother online I remind myself they must be going through a tough time too. It takes less of the blow off me anyway. But this post isn't about online bullying (although that does need to be highlighted at some point in time ya know!). It's about how I have been feeling the last few months, now this may turn into a longer post so get comfortable and grab a tea/coffee or whatever liquid you choose to drink. I have suffered anxiety most of my life. Many people will suffer anxiety at some point in their lives, which makes me feel sad but anywho! Once I had children it got a little worse because I now had little people to worry about as well as myself. But I was still pretty relaxed, a little bit chill with slight anxiety. However after Flynn my anxiety got abit worse and then once I had Noah it was at a all time high. Now to be honest I haven't even admitted to myself how bad it has been for me until quite recently. Many many things have contributed to these feelings of darkness. But I am head strong and try to pretend it will go away in time. However it hasn't this time, it has started to rule my life. I find myself panicking over the most ridiculous things! Even writing this i'm panicking!! I won't make a list because to be frank i'm actually too embarrassed to admit how silly they are. But to sum it up I even panic about being in the car with my kids. I feel I have to protect them at all times, with every single bit in me. So being in the car takes all my control away because some people drive SO bad on the road and I'm always seeing terrible car accidents on the news. So I live in fear of us being one of those cars/people on the news. Crazy right?!? It's draining worrying so much and I'm ashamed to admit that. I'm unsure why. I feel sad, alone, anxious. All these bad emotions have totally eaten up my soul. I am a happy person usually and I still am a happy person. I still enjoy things and I love my kids. But for the first time in 7 months i'm admitting i'm not doing well, I'm not always okay and that's okay! I'm admitting on here that I need to seek help about these dark emotions that are eating my soul away. Not just for my kids but for me. By admitting on here i'm making a promise I have to keep. Yes I put the best parts of my life on the gram. Because in those moments I am happy. Adventuring with my boys is what makes everyday feel so special. Because when I look back on these memories I want to remember how joyful they truely were. Babies don't keep, they grow and I don't want to miss a single moment of it.
It's ok to not always be ok. It's ok to admit defeat. From here I derserve to feel amazing! So I WILL seek help! Here is to a better me!
All my love,
H.
xx
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