I hear them finally call my name and I do my little penguin shuffle to the room and lay down on the bed, ultrasound went well everything looked normal as far as my eye could see and I feel some what relieved thinking I had overreacted until the tech said he couldn't find any kidneys or bladder and the amniotic fluid wasn't as full as it should have been. My heart broke and I knew right then that the 20 weeks of morning sickness and nervousness I had meant something after all, not just a overprotective mother worrying about her unborn child.
I waited in the room while the tech went to speak to a doctor and they then took me to the maternity unit and had to wait by myself for the doctor to come and speak to me. A million things were going through my mind but I was hoping they were going to tell me it was just a mistake or that there was something I could do to save my baby.
Forty minutes later the doctor came with a nurse and told me to give a family member a call because they had bad news that they didn't want to tell me alone without support. I left the hospital crying and had the worst anxiety I had ever had, I came back with a good friend in tow to hear the bad news.
After an MRI and another ultrasound I found out to be what they had suspected. My baby had no kidneys and no bladder, this condition is called Bilateral Renal Agenesis.
Bilateral Renal Agenesis is a condition that effects 1 in 3,000 births.
It is nothing genetic and unfortunately just a cruel twist of fate.
I had the choice of continuing my pregnancy knowing my baby wouldn't survive, that I would have questions about my pregnancy and I knew deep down it would be cruel on myself and the baby to continue our journey together knowing I couldn't keep him when the time came. A week later I was admitted into hospital to have my baby, 2 days of labour and my baby was finally here and I was finally able to find out that in fact I was carrying and growing a baby boy.
August 1st 2014, I named him Flynn Edward and he was the most petite little baby I had ever seen. It was a tough few days in hospital and a tough few weeks once I was home. Organizing a funeral with the help of my mum, I had overwhelming amounts of flowers and cards and avoided the nursery downstairs until I was ready. Not only did I lose a baby but also a relationship in the same month, so with the support of my family they helped me pack up the nursery I had set up that I was avoiding. I cried and cried, slept and cried again for the baby I had lost and the baby brother Xavier never got to bond with.
The hardest part about knowing I'd lost my baby is that my friends were all pregnant too and welcoming there beautiful healthy babies and knowing I would do anything to avoid seeing my friends who had little newbies so I didn't have to talk about losing mine.
12 months later and my life is completely different then what it was in 2014. I moved into a place of my own, I met the love of my life who I can't imagine not being by my side now and Xavier gained a step brother/ friend. Things have a way of changing to the way your life is supposed to be, to be with the people your supposed to be with and to lead the life you were meant to be living.
I miss my Flynn everyday, occasionally I wonder why he had to be taken away from me, why I didn't get to keep him. All the things I've missed with his first year of life, Xavier having a sibling to play,share and grow with. I cant pretend that this week and the 1st of August wont haunt me every year, that I wont cry for my baby that I didn't get a chance to keep. But I know life has a purpose for me, that the day I do have another baby that it's the right time for me to blossom again as a mother. My heart aches for Flynn and I'm sure it will this time every year but I know I'm not alone in this and I have so much support and love from my family, friends and others who have been through the same heart ache.
http://www.bearsofhope.org.au/